Friday, March 30, 2007

Well no wonder it's bad for the doggies!

The front page of The Globe and Mail's website currently has an article about the recent pet food scandal which has led to the death of puppies and kitties everywhere, not to mention massive lawsuits.

After an enquiry, Menu Foods, the company in question, now knows the cause of the problem with their pet foods. Have a look at the headline: - Source of pet food taint now known: CEO

Now, I haven't read the article, but I can't believe that they were putting TAINT in the pet food! No wonder it is killing animals.

Taint, as I'm sure most cultured people (like myself) know, is the slang term for the perineum (which is the bit between your genitals and your bum-hole). Look it up if you don't believe me. You know, T'aint your balls, and t'aint your hole. It's your taint.

Now, I know dogs have a real fascination with this part of human bodies, but that doesn't mean that they want it in their food! I mean, that's just unsanitary! (I'm assuming it's human taint they used, but like I said, I never read the article).

I think it's time we call on the pet food manufacturers to stop using Taint in their food. Enough is enough! I urge you all to join me in e-mailing the Pet Food Association of Canada to demand that they stop this disgusting practice. Send your angry message to:



Tuesday, March 27, 2007

On the death of a friend

I am in mourning. It is a very sad day. I have blogged in the past about a good friend that my dog Ivan and I see every day when we go for a walk. Read about this good friend here.

Unfortunately, my friend has died. Killed in a storm a few weeks ago. I've been away for about three weeks, so haven't had a chance to write a tribute on my blog about this friend until now.

I will miss her.

R.I.P. Vagina Tree
R.I.P. Vagina Tree

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Dear WestJet:

Dear WestJet:

You know that flight attendant on the Moncton to Toronto flight this morning who kind of looks like Alisha Cuthbert?

Alisha Cuthbert, Flight Attendant

Could you please thank someone in your human resources department on my behalf? Thankssomuch!



Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Moncton, NB Yuk Yuk's Amateur Show AGAIN tonight (March 21)

Yes, I know. I've invited you the past two weeks to the Yuk Yuk's amateur show in Moncton, and you haven't been able to make it (other than Sherri). That's cool. I just thought I'd let you know that I'm going again tonight. No pressure. It's just the last time I'll be there for a while, because I'm going back to Toronto on Saturday. And I'd really love to see you once before I leave. I miss you.

Yuk Yuk's Moncton is at the Crown Plaza Hotel - 1005 Main Street. Doors open at 7:30pm, show time is at 8:30pm. Cover is $6.00.



Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Parroty songs

Last night's bloggy whatsit about misheard song lyrics got me thinking about parody songs. As a kid, my best friend Rob and I went through a phase or two of writing parody songs. We wanted to be the next Weird Al. Weird Al Times two, of course, because we did everything together.

And for those of you who have left comments on my blog or on my MySpace or Facebook pages saying that you think my ramblings are funny or that my standup comedy is funny (you're quite right, by the way), you should hang out with Rob. In school, Rob was the one who could have everyone in the room rolling on the floor laughing until they peed. OK, that only happened once, and it was just a little dribble. Leave me alone, ok? Suffice it to say that Rob is funnier than me.

So, back to the parody songs. The first one that I remember us doing was our take on The Bangles' Walk Like an Egyptian. We called it Walk Like an Old Chicken. I don't really remember how it went, but trust me, it was comedy gold.

Probably the best one, though, was when we worked at McDonald's. I was in grade 12 and had a thing for a girl who also worked there (the night I thought we were going to hook up, at the Drive In, of course, she turned to me and said "Lloyd, I'm so comfortable with you, it's like hanging out with one of the girls. I just have to ask, and you can be completely honest - are you gay?" Then she banged one of my friends.)

So, anyway, we wrote a parody song about this girl (who clearly had absolutely no gaydar, if she thought that I was gay!) It was to the tune of AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long. And here it is, or at least here is some of it, as close as I can remember:

She was a McMachine,
She kept her kitchen clean,
She was the best damn crew chief that I'd ever seen.
She made Apple Pies,
Tellin' me no lies.
Knockin' me out with those day-old fries.

(and then I forget the next verse, but the chorus went like this)

Cooked meat all night long!
Yeah you...
Cooked meat all night long!
You really cooked it now,
Cooked meat all night long!
Yeah you cooked meat!
Yeah you cooked meat!
Aaaaall night long!
(big guitar finish)
Writing that song is one of my best memories from high school. I thought it was hilarious.

So, what I'm saying is, maybe her saying she thought I was gay was her nice way of saying "holy shit, you're a big nerd, with your parody songs and whatever. Don't even think about getting into my knickers, loser."

Monday, March 19, 2007

Wrapped up like a douche, you know I rolled her in the night

I enjoy browsing through, the Archive of Misheard Lyrics. There are some pretty good stories of the way people hear songs.

One that I have been constantly mixing up lately is a song on one of my son's CDs. He loves the For the Kids CD, and can listen to it over and over and over. One of his favourite songs on the disc is Canadian super-couple Chantal Kreviazuk and Raine Maida singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

At one point, Raine is singing away to the star and says "I thank you for your tiny spark." I always hear "I thank you for your Chinese spark." Even though I know this is wrong, I still hear it each time.

The first time it happened, my thought was "man, the Chinese have really cornered the market on everything now, haven't they? First bootleg DVDs and now the cosmos!"

It's a good thing I was wrong about that one. I mean, if the stars really were Chinese, every time you look through a telescope, you would just have a craving for more star gazing in a couple of hours. You'd never get any sleep!

Good night.


Sunday, March 18, 2007

Not a genius

Did you watch Test the Nation on CBC tonight? How'd you do? I have two things to say about that show:

1. I am almost a genius, according to Brent Bambury and Wendy Mesley. A superior IQ score is 130+. I scored 126. I blame the internet for the missing 4 points.

2. More importantly, Wendy Mesley is finally looking hot again after her brush with death. Did you see the legs on her? That show must have been bitersweet for Peter Mansbridge to watch. Sweet because it would have confirmed what the Canadian news watching public already know - Peter's brilliant. And bitter because he would have totally had a boner for Wendy, and wished he had never let her go. It took her a while to get back to her old hotness, but back she is.

Speaking of hot chicks at the Ceeb (that's the new term for the CBC, by the way, as of right now), have you ever noticed how our public broadcaster has a thing for hiring the hotties? After just a quick browse through the "personalities" page on their website, I found:

Natalie Clancy, Reporter on The National

Heather Hiscox, Anchor on CBC News Morning

Christina Lawand, Reporter for The National

Sarika Sehgal, host on CBC Newsworld

She's a bit older than most on this list, but I loves me some Cathy Jones from "This Hour Has 22 Minutes"

Finally, my favourite, Gloria Macarenko. mmmmm.

When I started writing this blog, I had no intention of turning it into a "look at the hot chicks at the Ceeb" thing (other than the bit about Wendy), but it just took on a life of its own. And ladies, you know it's not just the men that get some nice eye candy while watching the news.

Ah, Rex Murphy. A real lady's man, if ever there was one.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Unfortunate business names

I love when a business is named something that might be awesome in another language, but in English it ends up being a bit unfortunate. (see my previous blog entry on the world's best dry cleaner business name here).

Some others that I have noticed include:

- Reliable Fish & Chips, on Queen St E in Toronto. To me, "reliable" is a term used in employment reference letters when you can't think of anything good to say about the person's work. "Peter was extremely reliable. He showed up every day on time, and we could always count on him to be there when we needed him." What the letter doesn't say is that Peter might as well have stayed home, because he sucked at what we needed him to do.

How's the fish at that place?

Well, it's reliable. It's always there, on the plate, when you order it. Never fails. Always tastes like shit, but it's always there.
- Lucky Driving School, in Scarborough. I think I would prefer the skillful driving school, thanks.

- Nice Haircut, in the Beaches area of Toronto. It always makes me imagine an Abbott and Costello type conversation.
Hey, nice haircut. Where'd you get it?

Nice Haircut.

Yeah, I already said I like it. Where'd you get it?

Nice Haircut!

OK, I was just being polite. It actually looks pretty dumb on you. Where did you get it? Tell me so I can know never to go there.

Nice Haircut!

Are you retarded?
- Ho's Team , a salon in downtown Toronto. The most unfortunate part of this is that it is near one of the most notorious hooker areas in town.

But my current favourite is...

- Beaver Fishery, a wholesale fishmonger in Toronto. "This tuna kind of tastes like..."

Friday, March 16, 2007

Brilliant Political Commentary

The headline in today's Saint John, NB Telegraph Journal has a quote from the leader of the Provincial Progressive Conservative Party leader, Jeannot Volpé, regarding the Province's Liberal Government's recent budget. The Liberals seem to have given him plenty of ammunition, with tax increases and unexplained funding increases for the Office of the Premier and etc. But with all of that, the best commentary that this seasoned politician could muster was splashed in large font across the front page, saying "It's just so stupid."

Brilliant analysis, sir. I can see that Her Majesty's Official Opposition in the Province of New Brunswick is in good hands.

I can just imagine Mr. Volpé and his staff discussing what their official reaction should be:

"Maybe we should say something hard-hitting, like 'this stinks!'"
"No, we should say that the Liberals smell like poop!"
"Or maybe we should call them a bunch of stupid-heads!"

Afterwards, when the Tory brass all met for a drink of Scotch and a nice meal of Roasted Endangered Something-or-other, they would have been like, "Hey Jeannot, you really got them! Hehehehe. Stupid. That'll teach those commie bastards!"

What's up with this guy, Volpé? Is he stupid or something?

Thursday, March 15, 2007

A quality I never knew I had

I've been home in New Brunswick (the Canadian province, not the New Jersey city) visiting my mother for the past week and a half. When I'm here, and see how my son loves being around his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, I get a major urge to move back here. We can't afford a move right now, but I can still dream.

I was searching through online job ads for the Moncton area, and saw one for a marketing-type position. At the bottom of the ad it said:

To make sure your resume is accepted, please understand that we will only be looking for individuals who possess the following;

1) Outstanding work ethic

2) Past career / workplace advancement

3) Ability to work in a Team Environment

4) Customer Service and Sales skills

5) Some Inventory

6) Light Administrative

If you possess any of the qualities mentioned above, please email your resume immediately
"Some inventory" is a quality you can possess? "Light administrative"?

I think I will apply, and in the interview process when I get the usual question that goes something like "What qualities do you possess that you feel would add value to our organization?" I can answer with:

"Well, I have some inventory. You know, it's just a bunch of stuff. Books, CDs, and a few photo albums and stuff like that. It's not much, but I do possess it. It's mine. I can give you a detailed list if you want. Another quality of mine is light administrative. In fact, I think light administrative is one of my best qualities. That, and an outstanding work ethic."

On second thought, I'm not going to bother. If you run the HR department for what your job ad calls "one of Canada's premier Marketing Companies" (their capitalization, not mine), and that is the best you can do at writing a job ad, maybe I don't want to work with your Company After All.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Yuk Yuk's Moncton NB Amateur Show Wednesday March 14

Once again, I will be hitting the stage for amateur night at Yuk Yuk's in Moncton tomorrow night (March 14). I had a great time last week and am looking forward to tomorrow night. I know this is short notice, but it would be cool to see you there.

Yuk Yuk's Moncton is at the Crown Plaza Hotel - 1005 Main Street. Doors open at 7:30pm, show time is at 8:30pm. Cover is $6.00.

I hope to see you there.



Things my mother says that make me wonder if I'm adopted

1. "I prefer mild cheddar."

2. "I don't really like curry."

3. "I never did like the taste of beer."

Monday, March 5, 2007

Yuk Yuk's Moncton, NB Amateur Show This Wednesday Night (March 7)

Hey Merry-timers,

I'm heading off to New Brunswick tonight to spend some time with my mother while she recuperates from a broken pelvis. I know, I know - what a great son.

Anyway, while I'm there, I thought I would abandon her for a night* and go do a six-minute standup comedy set at the amateur show at Yuk Yuk's in Moncton on Wednesday night. Coming? Great, I'll see you there!

Yuk Yuk's Moncton is at the Crown Plaza Hotel - 1005 Main Street. Doors open at 7:30pm, show time is at 8:30pm. Cover is $6.00.

See you then? See you, then.



*just kidding, by the way - my sister Chris will be staying with her

Friday, March 2, 2007

Dear The Glad Products Company

Thank you for making GladWare Containers. My wife and I bought two packages of them. They're great for putting stuff in. Stuff like leftover potatoes. Or carrots. Even leftover sauces of various flavours. One time I put bread crumbs in one of them when I ground up too much bread when I was making a breading thing for some trout. My point is, these containers hold stuff really well.

I also wanted to point out that I really think you chose a great name for this product. Not only because it makes me feel glad to have a great place to put my stuff. But because I feel so extremely glad (giddy, even) when I finally get the lid off of them without breaking it. The engineering expertise it must have taken to make those lids so difficult to get off is really very impressive.

But seriously, the joke's over. I need my bread crumbs! I'm making my special fried chicken this weekend, but I need the breadcrumbs. How do I get my stuff out of your containers?



Thursday, March 1, 2007

Delicious Canada

Chicks dig guys who can cook, right? Right? Did I mention that I went to culinary school? I graduated in 1996, from a two-year culinary arts diploma program. I have worked in every kind of professional kitchen you can imagine. Greasy spoons, a funky London wine bar; a beautiful country inn, a world famous resort hotel and more. Chicks dig that, right?

Well, if that doesn't make you swoon, what if I told you that I studied at the Culinary Institute of Canada? Sexy, eh? What's so sexy about the CIC, you ask? Well, for one thing, it is, for the second time in a row, home to Culinary Youth Team Canada. As the website says,

These eight young chefs, all of whom trained at Holland College’s Culinary Institute of Canada, have been selected to represent the country in the most prestigious international culinary competition in the world, the Internationale Kochkunst Ausstellung, more commonly known as the Culinary Olympics, in Efurt, Germany in October of 2008

Pretty sweet, huh? But it doesn't end there. This week, at the World Junior Grand Prix in Glasgow, Scotland, Culinary Youth Team Canada was crowned "World Grand Prix Culinary Champions"! This is huge. Canadians should be really proud of this team.

Check out the website, and have a look at the pictures from Glasgow on the News page (three of my chef instructors can be seen there: Team Manager, Chef Craig Youdale as well as Coaches Chef Hans Anderegg - you might recognize him from TVs "The Next Great Chef" - and Chef Richard Braunauer). Leave them a message letting them know that Canada is proud to have the world's best young chefs.

And don't forget ladies - I studied at that great school, under those incredible chef instructors. Pretty hot, eh? Like, rockstar hot. If you want me to autograph your breasts or underwear, just let me know.