Friday, November 25, 2011

Try again

Google Earth sucks. That's my dining room. I'm in the living room, guys! Talk about poor accuracy!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Do not quote me on that

Strange uses of quotation marks always make me laugh. In this pic, I can't help but question how seriously the hospital takes patient rights and responsibilities.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Listen Live to the Canada's Next Top Comic Final Gala

I'm sitting in the departure area of the Moncton airport, waiting for my flight to Toronto, via Porter Airlines. I am excited to be flying into the Toronto Island airport for the first time. But even more exciting - I'm flying to Toronto for the final gala of Sirius XM's Canada's Next Top Comic contest!

After competing as one of 17 comics on the Halifax "audition", I was named as one of five semi-finalists to move on to the online voting round. Thanks to great support from my friends and family (and local media, including Information Morning Saint John on CBC Radio, The Kings County Record, CJCW Radio, Here Magazine and the Telegraph Journal, I received enough votes to move on as one of the eleven finalists at Tuesday night's show at Yuk Yuk's in downtown Toronto. I'll be competing against some of the top up-and-coming comics in Canada for a chance to win $10,000!

I've been told that the show is sold out, so those of you in Toronto won't have to worry about trying to come up with an excuse to not come! But if you are broken up about not being able to make it to the show, I have some good news! You can listen to the show live, if you have XM Satellite Radio! Just tune into Laugh Attack, the Canadian-focused comedy channel on XM Channel 160 Tuesday night (November 15, 2011) at 6PM EST (that's 7PM for my friends in the Maritimes - 7:30 in Newfoundland - see I even do the math for you. This is so easy!)

"But, Lloyd, I don't have XM!" 

Why not? You really should.

Well, the next good news is, you can sign up for a free, online trial at and you can listen to XM for two weeks on your computer or your phone! So, go ahead and sign up for a trial, and tune in Tuesday night for the show. 

On the off-chance that you still need convincing, check out these videos from my fellow finalists for a preview of what to expect tomorrow night:

(note - there are words on these videos that your boss might not like you to listen to at work, or your wife might not want you to listen to in front of the kids.)

Brian Aylward

Christine Medrano:

Dom Pare:

Eddie Della Siepe:

Eric Andrews:

Julia Hladkowicz:

Kyle Jones:

Myles Morrison:

Peter White:

Sterling Scott:

Funny stuff, eh? So, listen to the show. You will be sad if you don't, and nobody wants to hang out with a sad person.

See you soon.



My biggest fan

I think there is a bit of a glitch in Twitter.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Telemarketing Tables Turned

Have you been called by these scammers who claim to be working for Microsoft and they are going to fix your computer? Apparently your computer has been sending them viruses or something. Their goal is to get you to let them have remote access to your PC so they can either steal your private info, or leave a malicious file or something. Don't let them do this. Nobody is ever going to call you because your computer is infected.

I recently had some fun with them. It went something like this.

Me: "Hello"
Him: "Yes, sir, this is Harold from Computer Server Maintenance Services. We have been contracted by Microsoft to help their clients with bad files. Your computer has been sending us bad files, so we want to help you get rid of the virus."
Me: "Bad files, eh? Sounds bad."
Him: "Yes, sir. Very bad."
Me: "How bad?"
Him: "Very bad."
Me: "Like, really bad?"
Him: "Yes, sir. Now, if you could turn on your PC, I can help you get rid of the bad files."
Me: "Like super bad?"
Him: "Yes, sir. Super bad." (he said "super bad" with a flourish, like an narrator in a superhero cartoon announcing the evil villain.)
Me: "I'm so glad you called. What do I need to do?"
Him: "Is your PC on, and are you in front of it?"
Me: "Yes, and yes! Please hurry!"
Him: "Ok, press the following keys" (I forget what keys he wanted me to press)
Me: (not anywhere near my computer) "OK. Done."
Him: "What do you see?"
Me: "A picture of a kitty cat. Is that what you wanted to show me? That's not such a bad file."
Him: "Pardon?"
Me: "A picture of a kitty cat. And the caption says 'You're purrrrfect.' What's so bad about that?"
Him: "no, sir, you must have pressed the wrong keys. Try this." (and he repeated the instructions.)
Me: "OK, now I see it. That's the recipe for fettuccine alfredo I've been looking for! Thanks!"
Him: "No, sir. You must have done it wrong again." (and repeats the instructions)
Me: "HEY! That's pornography! What kind of operation is Microsoft running over there?"
Him: "No, sir. This is not about pornography. This is about bad files."
Me: "What kind of files are worse than pornography? This is disgusting! Why did you want me to see your dirty pictures?"
Him: "No, sir. Those are not my dirty pictures. I do not have dirty pictures. I don't know how those got on your computer, but that is not why I am calling."
Me: "Are you accusing me of looking at pornographic images?"
Him: "Please, sir. Just follow these instructions." (and he repeats the instructions)
Me: "Hey, where did the porn go? Do you know howI get it back?"
Him: "No, sir. You will have to find it yourself. Can you tell me what you see now?"
Me: "A double rainbow! All the way! Woah! OH MY GOD! ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!"
Him: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Me: (sobbing a little) "You don't believe in rainbows? It's so beautiful. "
Him: *Click*

Best telemarketing call I've ever gotten. Harold, if you're out there, call back sometime. I miss you.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Best Vandalism Ever

I usually roll my eyes at the dumb things kids write in public bathrooms, but this addition to the instructions on a hand dryer thingy was beautiful.
The pic is fuzzy, so allow me to translate:
1. Swipe hands
2. Receive bacon
3. Eat bacon
4. Mmmmm

Monday, November 7, 2011

What a relief

Children should never drive fast.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Daddy Pile

My three-year old called me at work the day after Halloween to let me know he was making a "daddy pile" from his Halloween candy. Stuff he didn't like but thought I would. Great!
I got home that night to find:
Two Tootsie Rolls, one with a bite out of it.
One pre-chewed piece of bubblegum.
One orange-flavoured hard candy, that had clearly been in someone's mouth already.
One lollipop stick with no lollipop on it.
I'm one lucky daddy.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Saint John, NB - A cultural Mecca

Specials at what is widely considered Saint John's best Asian restaurant earlier this week.

The smallest parking ticket machine ever

At the Saint John Airport, NB.
I was tempted to leave a pile of change on the ground.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mind your Ps and Ds

Is it just me, or does the D on this logo look a little too much like a P?